It was the first week of April 2023 as I recall. Rida and I were coming back from a rehearsal slot that I had booked with my actors earlier in the afternoon. She had her school holidays and had come here with me to spend the vacations, and I have not been able to spare enough time to take her out for any sightseeing or to any other places.
But, rehearsals? She loved them, took part in a few of them to read out the lines on a couple of occasions, playing one or the other supporting actor in her part-broken, part mixed with English accent, newsreader like style. It was fun and I was happy to see, there was at least one activity she was enjoying.
Not a km away from the rehearsal venue I realized something was wrong with the car. I was finding it hard to change the gears, felt something stuck in the gearbox. Somehow I managed to drive it to a nearby garage. The gear cable was broken, the clutch pad needed a replacement and I thought it would be a good time to get some other issues fixed that have been bugging me since a long time, it was going to be quite a decent amount of cost.
“The way you are spending on everything, we’ll be broke soon.” – Rida said.
“We won’t.” – I laughed, assuring her I’ll make sure it does not happen. “Let’s go to the beach today.”
Deep down the heart somewhere, that feeling, that thought, that question always stayed – What if… ?
What if I fail? What if she turns out to be right? What if there comes a day when I find it difficult to pay her fees, take her off the school?
You wanted to make a film. For what? To prove a point?
You chose to put everything on stake, to make something, something you believed is worthy of being seen. It will take years to make it. For years you’ll be staying away, often isolated, constantly working just to make and make it better. Any idea how much you are going to lose?
Years worth of bonding with a teenage daughter!
… and yet you are doing it. Fool.
Yet I am doing it. Let me try that for once. There is something I feel is worth it, worth a try.
May be some day I will go broke as you said, not have anything left in my accounts, yet I’ll have a film that I can be proud of, that you can be proud of. Yes, there will be risk, but what is life without a risk?
I know I am going to make it, and make it the way I want it to be. That’s a promise I have made to myself, just the like the other promise I made to you a while ago. Too many thoughts…
I think, I should think about all that some other day. Not today.
Today I just want to spend some time with her, have a simple 20₹/plate Idli Sambhar, then a 5₹ ice-cream, walk along her on that crowded beach and just be her Dad.
Fool! You won’t get to experience that for years to come.
I know. It’s about time.